Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009

I think I am going to write the whole reflective post before I start journalling about it. I take the New Year quite seriously, I spend a good two weeks reflecting and setting goals; it is important for me to live with purpose.

So what exactly did I do right this year?

There is one thing I did really well: Jolene.

I began the year with tall walls separating us-hatred rotting both of us. And I purposed that I would change that. It forced me to work harder than I ever have on a relationship and humble myself into nothingness. I waved my flag of surrender and walked over to her and cried. I hugged her, listened to her, forgave her. I messed up a lot, but I began to hear her voice and recognise her heart; I found out she is beautiful. Now I am a fierce protector of her spirit and when our old demons slip into our relationship, we talk it out.
I actually feel happy about completing this year because I reached my greatest goal.

Other than that, I messed up a lot. Really. I hurt people, made stupid choices, and was selfish.
But every time, God had enough grace to wash over me, and I got to my feet again and carried on. This has not been a year of crazed spiritual momentum as other have been. There has been a lot of two steps forward, one step back, but I have come to view my Christian life like my running. It is long, painful, and it will really suck sometimes, but no matter what, you just keep going. And I WILL cross that finish line with a smile of victory.

But what DID I do this year?
(This will not be eloquent, proof-read, or well-crafted, because, let's face it- my year wasn't either)
I lived. Gosh darn it, I swallowed life whole and went back for more. I was spontaneous, passionate and intense. I made new friends, and gave them as much of my heart as I could. I learned so much more about the world and I dreamed bigger than I ever have before.
I ran a lot. I found new trails to travel and explored new places. I tried to pray more, and enjoy each moment more. Each day brought another step to my healing and I am emerging a more entire human being.
I learned to wait. Blindly. It is ok not to see the big picture because you almost never will. You just need to dream as big as possible, live as much as you can, and fill your days with people you love. And I think I did.
I began this year with nothingness and look back and see it is filled with so many colours that it makes me smile.
I went to university, church, weddings, funerals, clubs, parties, Montreal, Ohio, Alberta...

If this was 2009, then I standing with arms open to 2010.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

anguished eyes.

She isn't doing so well again.

(I am expecting hell to be this end.)

the Happy Ending missed it's cue,

her future's fading out of view.


I want to tell her what I feel

That all I want is her to heal

but broken dreams are all I see.

How can I tell her honestly?


Escape, escape, run from this hell

I won't keep track of times you've fell.

I'll fight with passion, prayers and cries

to drive the anguish from your eyes.

--------------------------------------------------

Sad how I am satisfied this is in iambic tetrameter. I am so divided right now. Exams are pressing in, my sister is wasting away, and right now...God just seems really distant. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Dark Night of the Soul.
If you read this, please pray for my sister Jolene. Things are bad again. I am terrified to enter into this whole hellish cycle again. In yet we begin, battle scarred, but stronger than before.

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both


parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard


Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps


you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house


Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down


on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity


i hate you

by e. e. cummings

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Snowflakes

Today it snowed.

Hard.

Not the little snowflakes where you stop and think about the beauty of each one.

No, it fell in a swirling mass of chaos that pushed cars off the road and kept children from going to school.

But I went out.

I had a wonderful time last evening with my Korean friend, Ahwon: she slept over, we watched Julie and Julia and I made chocolate chip pancakes and strong coffee. But I needed to return her safely to her residence-so I set out.

I made it. I went to the gym because running in this weather is for the thick skinned or the insane. I don’t think I am either one. I ran for a really long time with intervals until my muscles were screaming at me, and then I did weights. I did a bit of reading on the treadmill for my British Literature exam.

I think life is sometimes like the snow. When you are busy and there is chaos there is not time to stop and see the beauty of the moments
-each one is unique
-just like a snowflake.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

liar's masquerade


Everyone has a signature.
A different print.
A different voice.
But sometimes, I want another one.


I read the words of those wiser than me.
So deep, layered,
words containing unknown magic.

The kind of words you need to strip away
to find meaning.
Like pulling a rabbit from a hat.


My voice is not like that.


My words are honest, stripped away.
The magical there is what you see.
I cannot disguise anything.


I want to hide sometimes.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

So,Montreal was a party...

but it is back to final assessments, exams, and essays now.
This means a plethora of coffee, a surplus of stress, a dwindling running schedule, and a lot of dark chocolate.
On the bright side, I am getting a Polar F6 for Christmas, so I am planning on running a LOT in the New Year. October Marathon...here I come!