2009

I think I am going to write the whole reflective post before I start journalling about it. I take the New Year quite seriously, I spend a good two weeks reflecting and setting goals; it is important for me to live with purpose.

So what exactly did I do right this year?

There is one thing I did really well: Jolene.

I began the year with tall walls separating us-hatred rotting both of us. And I purposed that I would change that. It forced me to work harder than I ever have on a relationship and humble myself into nothingness. I waved my flag of surrender and walked over to her and cried. I hugged her, listened to her, forgave her. I messed up a lot, but I began to hear her voice and recognise her heart; I found out she is beautiful. Now I am a fierce protector of her spirit and when our old demons slip into our relationship, we talk it out.
I actually feel happy about completing this year because I reached my greatest goal.

Other than that, I messed up a lot. Really. I hurt people, made stupid choices, and was selfish.
But every time, God had enough grace to wash over me, and I got to my feet again and carried on. This has not been a year of crazed spiritual momentum as other have been. There has been a lot of two steps forward, one step back, but I have come to view my Christian life like my running. It is long, painful, and it will really suck sometimes, but no matter what, you just keep going. And I WILL cross that finish line with a smile of victory.

But what DID I do this year?
(This will not be eloquent, proof-read, or well-crafted, because, let's face it- my year wasn't either)
I lived. Gosh darn it, I swallowed life whole and went back for more. I was spontaneous, passionate and intense. I made new friends, and gave them as much of my heart as I could. I learned so much more about the world and I dreamed bigger than I ever have before.
I ran a lot. I found new trails to travel and explored new places. I tried to pray more, and enjoy each moment more. Each day brought another step to my healing and I am emerging a more entire human being.
I learned to wait. Blindly. It is ok not to see the big picture because you almost never will. You just need to dream as big as possible, live as much as you can, and fill your days with people you love. And I think I did.
I began this year with nothingness and look back and see it is filled with so many colours that it makes me smile.
I went to university, church, weddings, funerals, clubs, parties, Montreal, Ohio, Alberta...

If this was 2009, then I standing with arms open to 2010.

anguished eyes.

She isn't doing so well again.

(I am expecting hell to be this end.)

the Happy Ending missed it's cue,

her future's fading out of view.

I want to tell her what I feel

That all I want is her to heal

but broken dreams are all I see.

How can I tell her honestly?

Escape, escape, run from this hell

I won't keep track of times you've fell.

I'll fight with passion, prayers and cries

to drive the anguish from your eyes.

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Sad how I am satisfied this is in iambic tetrameter. I am so divided right now. Exams are pressing in, my sister is wasting away, and right now...God just seems really distant. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Dark Night of the Soul.
If you read this, please pray for my sister Jolene. Things are bad again. I am terrified to enter into this whole hellish cycle again. In yet we begin, battle scarred, but stronger than before.

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both


parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard


Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps


you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house


Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down


on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity


i hate you

by e. e. cummings

Snowflakes

Today it snowed.

Hard.

Not the little snowflakes where you stop and think about the beauty of each one.

No, it fell in a swirling mass of chaos that pushed cars off the road and kept children from going to school.

But I went out.

I had a wonderful time last evening with my Korean friend, Ahwon: she slept over, we watched Julie and Julia and I made chocolate chip pancakes and strong coffee. But I needed to return her safely to her residence-so I set out.

I made it. I went to the gym because running in this weather is for the thick skinned or the insane. I don’t think I am either one. I ran for a really long time with intervals until my muscles were screaming at me, and then I did weights. I did a bit of reading on the treadmill for my British Literature exam.

I think life is sometimes like the snow. When you are busy and there is chaos there is not time to stop and see the beauty of the moments
-each one is unique
-just like a snowflake.

liar's masquerade

Everyone has a signature.
A different print.
A different voice.
But sometimes, I want another one.

I read the words of those wiser than me.

So deep, layered,
words containing unknown magic.

The kind of words you need to strip away
to find meaning.
Like pulling a rabbit from a hat.

My voice is not like that.

My words are honest, stripped away.
The magical there is what you see.
I cannot disguise anything.

I want to hide sometimes.

So,Montreal was a party...

but it is back to final assessments, exams, and essays now.
This means a plethora of coffee, a surplus of stress, a dwindling running schedule, and a lot of dark chocolate.
On the bright side, I am getting a Polar F6 for Christmas, so I am planning on running a LOT in the New Year. October Marathon...here I come!

Sore feet, happy heart

Today was one of those special gifts straight from the heart of God.
I woke up, read in bed. After a morning of cranking out assignments, cleaning my car and enjoying the sunshine, I headed on a run.
I just uploaded Switchfoot's new album, it was 19 degrees and running was effortless.
Why am I writing about my run? Because I ended up going further than I have ever run before.
Long enough to stand under a freezing shower to shut my screaming muscles up, to give me problems going up the stairs, long enough to listen to the Switchfoot album multiple times.
It was wonderful. Nothing makes you feel as alive as running.
I love sunshine, running, and Jesus. And today, I got all three.
Sometimes, my life is just too good.

Immense Quiet

One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then that one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever. One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn time and goes out and stands alone and throws ones head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvalous unknown things happening until the East almost makes one cry out and one's heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising sun - which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. One knows it then for a moment or so.

And one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting though and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries.

Then sometimes, the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure;

and sometimes a sound of far off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in someone's eyes.

I loved this. Today was posatively idyllic; one of those days when you know you will live forever. I thought this was appropriate.

Summit of Living

There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy that comes when one is most alive and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.

It is the middle of mid-terms. I am stressed. Confused. Alive.
I have not been running as much as I am trying to fit more readings in; I have gotten a bit behind. I attend my running club ever week and I have plans of running it next year. I will have to see where that takes me.
Today was 2 midterms and one huge assignment. I am drained, hence the morse code update.
I am too wired to sleep. I hate overthinking.

Good night.

Seeing Red

So, my dad informed me that I could race today if I wore my work shirt...
I took him up on it...

Nothing like getting paid to run!

I was happy with my results - I came in second (by 7 lousy seconds) in the female category and ninth over all. My time was 21:07; room for improvement, but it could have been worse.

It felt so wonderful to get back into racing. This was me racing to the finish line!

The writing well is dry tonight. I am exhausted as I did a bunch of studying for my midterm on Tuesday and prep for other classes. Time for some brain candy in the form of 90210 and Gossip Girl!

I am off running! :)

Running on a cloud

I am haloed in a type of runner’s euphoria which may or may not be influenced by the third piece of dark chocolate I am inhaling.
Let’s start at the beginning. Say hello to the newest member of my running shoe family:

I admit, I am not a pink girl, but they are custom made for marathon runners and orthotic wearers (of which I am both). I made this lofty purchase on my way home from school yesterday and it was all I could do to wait until running training tonight to try them out.

How did they work? Like running on a cloud! It was also my first time at running club, and I met some amazing people. I am merging into the sister group that trains for marathons and because there are less people you get more specialized training. I am the only female, but I am feeling like I can hold my own. I am just excited for my first half marathon in the spring.

This will make me step closer to stroking the object of “Run a marathon” off my bucket list. I think I am taking a bit of the morning off this Saturday to do the 5K fun run in Wellesley.

I also met with a few people this evening to go over the logistics of a new group we are forming on campus. It is primarily for Believers and we will focus strongly on prayer. I am excited to start it and see where God takes it!

I guess those are the greatest things to note as of today. Tomorrow I have a special technology seminar to attend early in the morning, so I better get all my things done so I can be alert.

I am off running!

Tennyson trumps Twilight

I am back.

I say this triumphantly; it is quite easy to begin to feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with you during the summer months. These are the months where Twilight trumps Tennyson and you hear more Britney Spears than Beethoven.

However, the fears vanish as I step back on my turf: the classroom, the coffee shop, and the runner’s trails. This is the world where it is expected to consider boycott grocery shopping until they rid their produce section of the excess apostrophe and their signs from “8 items or less” to “8 items or fewer.”The world where Shakespeare and Facebook share working space and where sushi is consider a proper meal. This is where you meet friends that understand your compulsion to re-write an essay until it is PERFECT, and that you really do love to read.

I meet peers at Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon because I can. I question those wiser than me because they are full of knowledge. I utilize the resources around me because they are present for but a season.

I love being back. I love not feeling stupid for my need to learn and grow. I love reaching inside literature and watching the subjectivity of it vanish as I realise what the author was trying to say. I love finding myself in the characters of those that are long gone, but have left their lives inside my anthologies.

I am back to the busyness, the stresses, and noise... and it is wonderful.

I am back!

Projects and Larabars

Writing novels, to me, is basically a kind of manual labor. Writing itself is mental labor, but finishing an entire book is closer to manual labor. It doesn’t involve heavy lifting, running fast, or leaping high. Most people, though, only see the surface reality of writing and think of writers as involved in quiet, intellectual work done in their study. If you have the strength to lift a coffee cup, they figure, you can write a novel. But once you try your hand at it, you soon find that it isn’t as peaceful a job as it seems.
The whole process—sitting at your desk, focusing your mind like a laser beam, imagining something out of a blank horizon, creating a story, selecting the right words, one by one, keeping the whole flow of the story on track—requires far more energy, over a long period, than most people ever imagine. You might not move your body around, but there’s grueling, dynamic labor going on inside you. Everybody uses their mind when they think. But a writer puts on an outfit called narrative and thinks with his entire being, and for the novelist that process requires putting into play all your physical reserve, often to the point of overexertion.


Haruki Murakami

I am quite excited to have found this author. I am going to request this book as soon as possible at the local library. I have become much more serious with my running lately and this book leap off the shelf at me.

The quote is extremely timely as well. Why? Because I am writing a book. I met with my writing coach/editor this past Thursday, expecting constructive critism and recommendations. I left with a promised book offer; I get to write in my jammies next summer.

How am I feeling? Extremely insufficient for the task, especially since it is for children. I have never written a book before, I don't even know where to start! I suppose it is quite a bit like running and the Christian life- rewarding but countless hours of work.

So other than feeling a little anxiety over the looming project, I am feeling truely blessed. My final days of summer vacation have been filled with many meals out with friends, blissful distance runs watching the sun rise, and working to put some funds in my bank account.
I am so very excited to begin classes: to feel the stress, the excitement, and to fill my head with the knowledge found in the many books I have stacked in my room.

Another thing I have been doing is a bit of baking. I am prepping the freezer for the crazy moments when I want something I love, but I have no time. One of my latest projects was recreating the Larabar.

My beloved vegetarian friend introduced me, and I have loved them passionately ever since. However, they are $2.00 a pop, and that is just a little crazy for my student funds, so I found a great recipe!

Behold, the chocolate chip Larabar!

All that I used were dates, cashews and chocolate chips...and they taste exactly like the real thing, except it was a quarter of the cost. I sense the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship. :)

Constructive Venture?

To me, yesterday was the last day of summer.
As I biked a country road, the sun felt warm, but there a wind chasing away any thoughts of a hazy day. Leaves were swirling at my feet and the air smelt like...change.
And that is precisely why I am beginning this blog; for change. I journal, I write essays and Facebook notes, but this is a a (hopefully) constructive venture for me. This new semester of school, I want to write honestly and creatively.
I have long wanted to start a real blog, one where I can rely the special moments of my life that should be immortalized, but are lost in the shuffle.
I am totally green at this, but I am going to give it my best shot.
This will be a record of me: living, learning, growing.
Welcome to the life of a Christian student with a passion for running.