2009

I think I am going to write the whole reflective post before I start journalling about it. I take the New Year quite seriously, I spend a good two weeks reflecting and setting goals; it is important for me to live with purpose.

So what exactly did I do right this year?

There is one thing I did really well: Jolene.

I began the year with tall walls separating us-hatred rotting both of us. And I purposed that I would change that. It forced me to work harder than I ever have on a relationship and humble myself into nothingness. I waved my flag of surrender and walked over to her and cried. I hugged her, listened to her, forgave her. I messed up a lot, but I began to hear her voice and recognise her heart; I found out she is beautiful. Now I am a fierce protector of her spirit and when our old demons slip into our relationship, we talk it out.
I actually feel happy about completing this year because I reached my greatest goal.

Other than that, I messed up a lot. Really. I hurt people, made stupid choices, and was selfish.
But every time, God had enough grace to wash over me, and I got to my feet again and carried on. This has not been a year of crazed spiritual momentum as other have been. There has been a lot of two steps forward, one step back, but I have come to view my Christian life like my running. It is long, painful, and it will really suck sometimes, but no matter what, you just keep going. And I WILL cross that finish line with a smile of victory.

But what DID I do this year?
(This will not be eloquent, proof-read, or well-crafted, because, let's face it- my year wasn't either)
I lived. Gosh darn it, I swallowed life whole and went back for more. I was spontaneous, passionate and intense. I made new friends, and gave them as much of my heart as I could. I learned so much more about the world and I dreamed bigger than I ever have before.
I ran a lot. I found new trails to travel and explored new places. I tried to pray more, and enjoy each moment more. Each day brought another step to my healing and I am emerging a more entire human being.
I learned to wait. Blindly. It is ok not to see the big picture because you almost never will. You just need to dream as big as possible, live as much as you can, and fill your days with people you love. And I think I did.
I began this year with nothingness and look back and see it is filled with so many colours that it makes me smile.
I went to university, church, weddings, funerals, clubs, parties, Montreal, Ohio, Alberta...

If this was 2009, then I standing with arms open to 2010.